Pug Actually by Matt Dunn

Author:Matt Dunn
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: MIRA Books
Published: 2021-04-20T16:36:29+00:00

* * *

I’ve been shampooed, conditioned, blow-dried, and combed to within an inch of my life, had any wayward hairs snipped, my nails clipped, and even had my teeth cleaned, and I’m waiting back in reception, slurping my way through a huge bowl of something called “Evian” when there’s a loud “Ta-daa!” from Alexa, presumably for my benefit, as there’s no one else here. Then she all but pushes Julie into the room.

For a second, I don’t believe what I’m seeing. Her hair is shorter, shinier and neater, her skin’s positively glowing, her nails are manicured and gleam with a vivid dark polish, in contrast to her almost blindingly-white teeth. All in all, she’s the female human equivalent of me. And what’s more, I can tell she’s pleased with the result.

“Doug, you look...” Julie hoists me up and holds me in front of the full-length mirror so I can inspect myself.

“Doesn’t he?” says Alexa, and Julie beams at me, then studies her own reflection.

“And you,” Alexa continues. “You look like a million dollars!”

“I don’t know, I...”

“Of course you do!” Alexa mock-punches her on the shoulder. “Doesn’t she, Doug?”

I snort appropriately, and Alexa turns her attention to Julie’s mirror-image. “Now, remember what I told you about that new skin regime. And your hair’s a low-maintenance style, so you can pretty much just wash and go. All in all, you should be set up pretty nicely for you know what!” Alexa winks at her. “And if Doug’s got his eye on any lady dogs in the park...”

“Oh, he’s been fixed.”

“Really?” Alexa fixes me with a sympathetic eye. “Shame. Still, it’s the thought that counts. Isn’t it, Doug!” She bursts out laughing, which is perhaps a little mean given what she’s laughing about. “And you remember what I told you about that man of yours too!”

I prick my ears up at this.

“I’m not sure, Alexa.”

“You mark my words! A famous philosopher once said... Or it might have been Dolly Parton. I don’t remember.” She frowns. “Anyway, the gist of it was, the best way to get over a man is to get under another one. And it sounds like you and this Tom...”

Alexa nudges her, then winks down at me, but I’m still too stunned to respond. Julie’s obviously been opening her heart to Alexa, and unprompted she’s apparently brought Tom up. What’s more, it sounds like Alexa’s told her exactly what she probably needed to hear—and while Julie probably doesn’t want to take it from Priya, or Julie’s dad, or even Sanj, maybe the fact that it’s come from someone without a vested interest means this time it might sink in.

“Maybe,” Julie says, in a way that suggests she actually agrees. Then she hugs Alexa goodbye, clips my leash back onto my collar, and—a spring in her step—leads me out of the salon.

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